These are actually headlines taken from Google News at roughly 12:37pm GMT-5.
Them: Quake strikes off Indonesia coast
Me Earth splitting apart. Democrats rush to the side with the most trees.
Them: Space Station Empty as Crew Takes a Space Walk
Me: Emergency Shuttle Launch Prepared. Space Station Crew Locked Out!
Yuri says, "Perhaps comrade we could get one of those hollow, fake magnetic, meteorites with spare key outside."
Them: Jacko Case Focuses on Past Allegations
Me: Prosecution loses confidence in themselves; returns to familiar ground.
Them: Terri Schiavo Receives Easter Communion and Morphine for Pain
Me: This is the body and whoooppeee!
Them: Crowded House Drummer Hester Found Dead
Me: House Less Crowded
Them: Hail and Heavy Rain Pounds the Southeast
Me: Apparently I don't live in the Southeast like I thought I did.
Them: Court Considers Foreigners Rights in US Death Penalty Cases
Me: Foreigners may be exempt from dying.
Them: Supreme Court to Decide P2P Legality
Me: Supreme Court finds answer to sharing all those volumes of legal pleadings with other courts while avoiding royalties and copyrights.
Them: SunGard agrees to $11.3B buyout
Me: SunGard Board of Directors Very Happy. As are their children. And their grandchildren. And their great grand children. And what will be their great, great grand children. And...
Them: Mandela gives me strength - Jackson
Me: Criminals Bond
Them: Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt Officially Split
Me: Movie to be "Siamese Fraternal Twins" Cancelled
Me: We've gotten all the publicity this relationship can muster, let's move on.
Them: Irish show jumper stripped of Olympic Gold Medal
Me: When asked "So did you eat grass?" the horse replied "Nay."
Them: Nepal's Police Detain 16 More Anti-Monarchy Protesters
Me: Napal allows protesting but only one person can do it.
Them: New Hope for Cat Allergy Sufferers
Me: Help put an end to cat sneezes...because its really cute and distracting.
Them: Zimbabwe Ruling Party Blasts Archbishop
Me: UN Steps in and requests Zimbabwe turn down the music
