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This write up of the True New Zealand is very thought provoking since both my wife and I have thought "What a wonderful place it must be to live!"

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* Decided to take the 13 yr old, the 20 mth old, the wife and myself to Old Navy and buy the kids some clothes. The 13 yr old of course stays in the car knowing that most shopping he finds boring and usually ends in disaster. I think he simply gets over stimulated by the crowds, the lights, the noise (particularly the noise), and entirely too much information to process at once. In this way, he and I are very similar. There are times that I just have to get away from that kind of environment.
* After shopping, (we forgot to go in the pet store) we headed to Texas Roadhouse to discover a 45-50 minute wait..this is Knoxville of course - land of more restaurants than people but somehow they are always a 45-50 minute wait..except for IHOP which had immediate seating and knows us by name. Not only KNOWS us by name but knows when the baby was born!



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I am altogether too intolerant of the 13 yr old right now. Far too quick to call names and allow myself to be irritated by his presence.

Right now I feel hollow inside. I have that urge to do something but am lost as if I was in an enclosed stadium with the lights out and I'm looking for the key to get out.

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* Just dropped a log on one of our wood chairs and dented the chair. I guess I should be grateful that it didn't splinter the wood; at least I don't have to take 3 hours out of my day to repair it..I just have to live with the constant reminder that I can't do something as simple as carry a log without screwing up.

Read an article that the current thinking is that we use about .01 percent of our brain. I feel like I use .0001 of mine.

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* After I got over being so groggy I got to realizing how much I really enjoy getting up and working with the kids in the morning. I began to feel guilty about leaving the baby to play in her crib so long. I also began to feel guilty over the role reversal concept. My wife does so much to make sure the kids are ready for school and to hold this family together. She deserves more.

Rushed to dress from 9-9:15 went to meeting on the 13 yr old's theaputic horse riding and was there 2.5 hours. Stopped at a friend's house on the way home to discuss how we should handle the 1099's we are receiving from joint work done this past year. Found a gas station with a slopped parking lot and got gas. Must look funny to bystanders to see this guy in a dirty jeep and cowboy hat get out and put the jeep then run to catch up to it as it rolls down the hill, jump in, have tires squeal, then engine start.

Now heading for diapers and pickup the 7 yr old from a party.

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A New Day!

Let's start the day off with a PayPal donation link:


This Morning
* Head real heavy. Almost a dull throb. Wanted to sleep in some but the baby was crying. Wife muttered that she thought the 7 yr old had rescued her and was playing with her. Instead the entire family ignored her pleas to get her. When I got up there, she had thrown all her stuff animals and toys to the floor. I just wanted to sleep in a little one day out of the week. I know my wife probably has similar wishes (dishes, cleaning, etc) Perhaps she would trade me sone such wish so that one day out of the week (or even 1 day every 2 weeks) we do a little role reversing.

Last night
* Followed that tea with a beer
* Could not get the candle lit


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Something's wrong with my head! I went upstairs to get a beer and mellow in front of the tv instead I return downstairs with a large glass of extra sweet highly caffeinated tea. (washing machine sounds like a barking dog---budget another $400)

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I find it quite amusing that our heavily medicated child thoroughly enjoys Fantasia (last chance to buy for 7 years) while our unmedicated children would rather have nothing to do with it. (sic. not entirely true. The 7 yr old in stunned amazement declared "It's a cartoon!")

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* We decided to load everyone in the car, go to McD's then pick up the 10 yr old's sleepover friend and drop the two of them at the grandmother's...we actually loaded everyone in the car, picked up the 10 yr old's sleepover friend, had to stop the car once because the 13 yr old wasn't the center of attention and decided he needed to threaten to make himself throwup. This angered me and changed the tone in the car from fun and jovial to tense and unpleasant the rest of the trip despite many efforts to turn it around again. Found out the friend doesn't eat meat but Burger King was ok. Drove through for food. Dropped the girls off with the grandmother and returned home where the family is now watching Fantasia (on sale while supplies last then not for another 7 years).

           

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* cat napped. stared at the computer. Then went and chopped some wood. The 7 yr old joined me. Then the 10 yr old joined me. I walked down to the creek to discover that the "entrance" to the cave has developed into a sinkhole and has gotten larger. It's concealed by leaves and debris but I'm going to have to make it a priority to see just what it has developed into. On the adventurous side, it may be an excuse to pull out the old haress and ropes and do a little spelunking. It'd be really cool if there was a half decent cave system to play around in. The negative is that the entrance is definitely not on my property which is good and bad.

The 10 yr old was in a very good mood and very helpful with the wood spliting and hauling it closer to the house.

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Ambivalence

Here's that thought process thing that gets me in so much trouble.
I can't work right now because my mind won't calm and I'm tired. I figure the best thing to do would be to remove the starter from the Jeep so that I can take it by Autozone to get the new one; however, the Haynes manual to the Jeep is awol. Could be in the garage; could be in the boxes in the bedroom; could be in my messy desk; could be somewhere else in the office. The act of trying to find the manual could lead to any of several multiple day projects. So instead I am frozen.

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* I've reached that stage of the day where I am historically unfocused and unproductive. I have a longing to be doing something but can't put my finger on it. I definitely need a change of task for a few but it needs to be entertaining and rewarding. Perhaps this is the time to remove the starter from the Jeep.

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* Ah. The baby awakes from her nap. I'm making progress on the work but its still slow going. I'll take some time to play with the baby (near 20 mths now). Let's give her a little playtime in the crib. She sounds happy.

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* Back on the job

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* power nap

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* Continuing to make coding progress but I feel like I'm walking through quicksand. I can do better than this!

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* Cleaned out spam. Going to freshen coffee then get to programming like a rabbid beaver

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* Kids dropped off. Trying desperately to read paper before taking the 13 yr old to school
* I'm getting close to 0 spam. Wierd feeling.

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* I need hand lotion badly!

Woodburning stoves Everyone loves a fire. Everyone loves a huge, ancient oak tree. I've come to understand that I'm moving an oak tree into my house and that those things are heavy.

* Time to take the carpool to school.

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A New Day!

Let's start the day off with a PayPal donation link:


This Morning
* Woke at 5:45 on my own accord and got up at 5:48 for a refreshing bath then woke the kids at 6:12. The baby cried out just before I went into the 10 yr old's room (which is where the baby sleeps...I want to add onto the house sooo badly) but the baby stayed asleep. She must have had a bad dream.
* Regretting not staying up all night but happy that I didn't at the same time

Today's goals: Wrap this php thing!! Create a marketing piece. Remove dead starter from Jeep.

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* was going to try to pull an allnighter but I need some sleep. Nite all.

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* Wife and 10 yr old ran out to get away from me and buy Fantasia and Sleeping Beauty. Disney will quit distributing these movies in 2 days but Amazon will continue selling until their inventory runs out.
* Helped 7 yr old with homework (I always enjoy that).
* Cooked homemade pizzas
* Refueled fire with wood that the 13 yr old and I split. I thought it would be a nice way to get him outside. My wife (and now me too) feels I was just training him with a weapon.

           

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* Time to go cook dinner and find out how pissed off everyone is.

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* I screwed up, got mad at myself, but had an outburst at the wife. Feel like crying.

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* Dropped 13 yr old at school. He was mellow but in that "I'm going to build up steam" type of way. I hope I'm wrong. Then went to the Ranch to do some computer maintenance for a friend.
* Returned home, did 45 seconds of wood spliting, got over agressive then spent 45 minutes breaking my axe handle free. The handle is intact but it is no longer in the axe head. Looks like a repair is in order.
* Weather is fantastic for removing a Jeep starter. I need to kick butt on this php then get to work on the Jeep.

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* Wahoo! Php code is up in the staging area and the db is working. I'm not happy because I don't feel its my best work but I always feel that way. Several ends to tie before the handoff but it should be quick going now.
* Time to take the 13 yr old to school

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* Kids off to school. We packed lunches and I couldn't find the car keys so we left late but still made it to school on time just not soon enough for me to take a left out of the parking lot--means I have to drive through a neighborhood which takes longer. 13 yr old asleep on counch when I returned. I let him anger me too easily. Went from jolly to having great tension in my chest too quickly. Did nothing to him other than speak firmly but not gruffly.

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* Wahoo! Code uploaded. Just need to create database now.

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A New Day!

Let's start the day off with a PayPal donation link:


This Morning
* Woke at 5:30 feeling great. Got out of bed at 6. Kids seems jolly. What's in the air today?
* Reconsidering the format of my blog or creating one purely for creative writing
* A little stressed on my php project. Must begin uploading files now. I need an 8-5 day a couple of times a week where people pretend I'm not here.

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0 resumes sent today; 0 interviews; 0 sales calls; 0 new contacts

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* Time to introduce others to the addictive practice of blogging

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* Kids are down to sleep. Work is progressing well. Wood spliting has been done and the fire is burning hot. A few more large logs in a few minutes and she should be good for most of the night. Left my glasses upstairs. Fortunely they are near the fridge and there's beer in there.

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* bad evening - too much anger... too much yelling..

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* Bah! Nailed byMurphy! The hosting company had NOT suspended me and because I've been in contact with them was working with me through this jobless situation. What good people! Turns out the MyDoom virus is causing their mail servers grief. At least it feels good to have gotten one more late bill taken care of.

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* $402 to hosting company - ouch. Budgeted $278.

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* Blast. The hosting company cut us off and as I'm trying to get a payment sent paypal times out so I'm not sure if the $303 got sent or not.

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* Got the 13 yr old. Some pleasant talk in car. No sniping. We were probably silent 50% of the trip. Went to Comcast and paid them $142 and change. Came home.
* At home we quized 13 yr old on his day then I went into a screaming cursing tirade that caused the wife to get on me so I yelled at her. All around bad.
* Chopped wood, re-built almost dead fire (this seasoned stuff goes quick), yelled at child some more; apologised to everyone. Feel like a schmuck.

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* Email sent to client painfully explaining the STILL is not done.
* Time to go get 13 yr old from school

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* progress is being made in php. 1:45 pm goal missed. Setting 2:30 goal for pretty stuff.
* $307.76 paid to Allstate (I swear I gave them a December payment)

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* making good heady on the coding but the day is flying by...rear end is frozen too. I've got to make a Home Depot trip soon.

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* Wahoo! Beat the php problem! One line syntax problem. Quick break then back to wipe this out. Setting goal 1:45pm for bulk of work done and uploaded. The rest of the afternoon on cleanup and wrap-up.


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* Paid Bellsouth $361 and change. Ouch. We weren't even scheduled to be cut off.
* more wood to the fire. Spliting this seasoned stuff is a pleasure! I'm using the axe not the maul.
* Computer updated and rebooted. I'm relaxed and feeling good. Incense lit. Time to bang out some code!

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* 13 yr old off to school. Baby changed and fed. Time to work.

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* Email sent. 1 goal achieved! Small successes are good. Time to take the 13 yr old to school--I mean daycare.

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A New Day!

Let's start the day off with a PayPal donation link:


This Morning
* Slept like a rock! Some wild dreams too! The best one centered around me being near the beach with my family but taking photos with this fancy video like digital camera for an online friend of mine. Turns out I was using the camera wrong. My grandmother was even there. The best picture was of this huge classic tree almsot growing out of the water.
* Turned the alarm off at 5:45 and woke suddenly and in a panic at 6:28. Got the kids moving. The 7 yr old and 10 yr old were problem free and happy. The carpooler dragged his feet but we got there earlier than normal. The 13 yr old got up and started having breakfast before everyone left.
* When I returned at 7:30 the 13 yr old was dressed and seems excited about going to school.
* More wood to the fire (we are fighting to keep this one going...must chop more smaller pieces to get the temperature up).

Weather: Feels like a commercial freeze like at a restaurant...oh, that's inside the house.

Goals: Send email regarding quote for computer repair, php--that's it!

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Almost forgot! I bought my 2nd TN Lottery ticket today. That's a total investment of $2. And I won! The prize $2. I'm even!

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* Long afternoon. Wife very tense. Blames her tension on me of course.
* Returned the 13yr old from school and then after discussing plans with the wife and putzing on the computer took him to his group therapy
* After dropping him off, returned home and grabbed an accidental cat nap. I was so exhausted I had the shakes.
* Woke, chopped some wood, took 2 phone calls, one with work for me to do the other wanting to consolidate the student loans.
* Piled everyone in the car and picked up the 13 yr old then went to Sam's then Walmart then home for dinner.
* Got everyone to bed. Re-lit fire. Need a beer. I'm bushed.


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Knox County Schools rot:
The 13yr old had a great day! Apparently he and his archenemy got along very well. When asked about school work, he blanked so I figure he basically was asked to do nothing. Get ready for 4 months of babysitting. Taxpayers rejoice!

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* Freshened up and while I shaved, the baby brushed her teeth with her electric toothbrush.
* Gone to pickup 13 yr old

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* Temperature is dropping rapidly! Starting to snow outside. Wood needs to be sized and chopped.

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* Feel like crap. I got a resume and cover letter sent today BUUUT had a todo with the wife and she's all ticked off so its tense around here but she's really not tense about our spat or the spill on the couch or my thoughtlessness at not bringing her a caffeinated drink this morning; instead, she is tense about not knowing how the 13 yr old is performing in school today. We've had not feedback. A call by now would have been greatly appreciated but the Knox County Schools War is yet to be properly documented. It's coming!
* Getting a long over closure done for one of those clients that paid nothing, wants the world, and is still around. This should end it though.

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* I've confirmed that I've been given one last breath of air but my reserve tanks are empty. I have roughly 3 weeks to swim to the surface. I should have never gone so deep!

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* Mind un-focused. Taking 25mg meclizine (placebo?) and settling in to send a resume and cover letter. Setting a 9:45am deadline for self.

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* Back from taking a very calm but nervous 13 yr old to school.

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* Time to take the 13 yr old to school. We begin with the search of pockets, bags, etc.

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* First wave launched. The 7 yr old, 7 yr old friend, and 10 yr old have been dropped off at school. Apparently we've been arriving later than the other safety patrols because today we got there and couldn't find a place to safely park! Now need to burn a half hour before taking the 13 yr old to school. I suspect I'll be picking him up before lunch. I'm on pins and needles about the 19 mth old waking. I really want her to sleep but expect that she will wake any moment now.

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* I began stretching again this morning. Let's hope I keep it up. I've never felt as good as when I was stretching 20 minutes in the morning, 20 minutes in the evening and exercising. Stretching is good for the mind and body. In the past when I'd try stretching in the beginning my mind would be racing but after a few days it became a meditative moment. I bought Bob Anderson's book eons ago when there were only 3 stretching books in the bookstore. Now there is like an entire section diguised as Yoga. I highly recommend Bob Anderson's stretching book.



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A New Day!

Let's start the day off with a PayPal donation link:


This Morning
Wow! The day is starting off on an incredibly positive note. ExtremeTracking confirmed in email that they cause no pops or spyware. VTech replied in email with the same answer they gave over the phone except in email it said the line voltage dropped before 24 volts instead of 21..which again, a cable problem could easily cause that.

* Woke at 3:30 to a crying baby. Fire still going. Could not motivate myself to get up and program.
* Woke at 5:45 to the alarm. Then again at 6:04. Got out of bed at 6:08. Woke the 10 yr old. The 7 yr old felt mildy warm but I'd say it was night sweat and not fever. Woke him from his 12+ hour sleep and he said "I feel fine but hungry." (skipped dinner)

Heavy Rain today!
Goals: Send resumes out, finances, fix usb port

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* I know I need to stay up and work but I'm bushed. Grabbin' zzs.

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* Time to chill with the wife then perhaps return here for some late night programming.

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* Realized for the first time today that people are actually reading this blog when I noticed people have been commenting! Very cool! Sorta thought I was writing to myself and using it as a strange way for my wife and I to bridge some communication gaps :) I got a little apprehensive thinking that I'm airing too much dirty laundry but then again that's part of the fun! Enjoy the reading!

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The afternoon!
* Whew lots to say! Grabbed the 13 yr old for a companion and headed out to Cingular to pay a much needed overdue cell phone bill and sweat over the food bank account shrinking. Looks like we all are on a diet! Then over to the father-in-law's for some fun fax repair work.

The Fax Saga
My two favorite things in the world are sitting on hold and dealing with BellSouth </sarcasm>

Summary: I own and highly recommend the VTech 20-2431 two line phone system. It's expandable with up to 8 VTech 20-2420 handsets each supporting both lines and no wiring required. The only thing that gets plugged into the phone line is the base. It has great features including an intercom system. This is the one feature I wish they had done differently. With each handset having a built-in speakerphone, it seems like you should be able to globally or to a specific handset just start talking--like an in-home intercom. It rings and you have to pick it up. No big deal. Anyhow, I recommend this solution to my father-in-law that needs a home line and a business line in his house. For months my 2 lines worked fine and the fax machine was setup on the 2nd line then suddenly one day the 2nd line says "extension in use" and rings busy as long as the fax is hooked up. I figure a wiring problem and sure enough, I connect a shorter cable that has not been stepped on and it works fine. Now, the father-in-law tries to connect his fax to his VTech 20-2431 and gets the same problem. Now things are getting fishy so I email vtech and begin the troubleshooting. Note: The VTech 20-2481 has a built-in answering machine but I recommend the Bellsouth voicemail over a physical answering machine.

Solution:

1. Check wiring. All in order.


2. Send father-in-law to get new phone cable


3. Call Vtech


4. Sit on hold


5. Get technician and explain problem. Tech explains "line voltage is too low. Should be 21 volts" (I always thought phone systems were 12 volts) and that I need to call BellSouth.


6. Call Bellsouth


7. Sit on hold


8. Level 1 tech support schedules repair for father-in-law's house and my house


9. Remember the new phone cord. Connect it and ta-da! The fax works!


10. Father-in-law and I debate cancelling vs keeping service calls.
    
11. Phone rings. It's BellSouth (a technician or higher level support rep) "I've been talking to my supervisor and this problem doesn't make sense"


12. Debate in mind keeping service call anyway


13. Tell Bellsouth that the problem is fixed and to cancel service calls


14. Continue playing with fax to realize that we should have asked Bellsouth Techsupport how to make the Bellsouth voicemail and fax machine play nice together


15. Call Bellsouth


16. Sit on hold


17. Technician answers and says they didn't used to play nice together but that there is a BRAND NEW feature called Voice Mail Premium which cost "exactly the same as the regular voicemail" (for Complete Choice customers--which we both are). Voicemail Premium allows faxes to be delivered to a fax mailbox then printed to any fax you want at a later time. It fills the void very well! So if you are on the line and a fax comes through it goes to the fax mailbox. If you are away from home, your faxes are not missed. And you don't have to set your fax machine to answer before the voicemail with some squealing in the person's ear.


18. Added it to both houses! Feel very satisfied. Goes into effect at midnight (in hindsight I will probably have to rerecord the voicemail message.

* Next the father-in-law had me listen to a strange noise the car was making and troubleshot that as "get it back to the guys that rotated the wheels!" (metal grinding)
* Returned home to take the 10yr old selling girl scout cookies (I enjoy that a lot!)
* fixed dinner (shrimp and corn on the cob) and got the kids down then relaxed to some blogging.

 

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* want to chill for a few and just my luck, my lenses have popped out of my glasses. I use them only when my eyes are tired and man are they tired!

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I received this in email today and have not personally verified the number but have no reason to doubt them either.
Click to skip to the next post

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Greetings all,
This is a long list, but if you don't read through to the end you'll miss some of the most alarming figures. Here's a prayer that we all may unite behind the the necessity of regime change here in the good ole U.S. Of A.
peace,
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George W Bush and the real state of the Union

Today the President gives his annual address. As the election battle begins, how does his first term add up?

20 January 2004
*232:* Number of American combat deaths in Iraq between May 2003 and January 2004
*501:* Number of American servicemen to die in Iraq from the beginning of the war - so far
*0:* Number of American combat deaths in Germany after the Nazi surrender to the Allies in May 1945
*0:* Number of coffins of dead soldiers returning home from Iraq that the Bush administration has allowed to be photographed
*0:* Number of funerals or memorials that President Bush has attended for soldiers killed in Iraq
*100:* Number of fund-raisers attended by Bush or Vice-President Dick Cheney in 2003
*13:* Number of meetings between Bush and Tony Blair since he became President
*10 million:* Estimated number of people worldwide who took to the streets in opposition to the invasion of Iraq, setting an all-time record for simultaneous protest
*2:* Number of nations that Bush has attacked and taken over since coming into the White House
*9.2:* Average number of American soldiers wounded in Iraq each day since the invasion in March last year
*1.6:* Average number of American soldiers killed in Iraq per day since hostilities began
*16,000:* Approximate number of Iraqis killed since the start of war
*10,000:* Approximate number of Iraqi cililians killed since the beginning of the conflict
*$100 billion:* Estimated cost of the war in Iraq to American citizens by the end of 2003
*$13 billion:* Amount other countries have committed towards rebuilding Iraq (much of it in loans) as of 24 October
*36%:* Increase in the number of desertions from the US army since 1999
*92%:* Percentage of Iraq's urban areas that had access to drinkable water a year ago
*60%:* Percentage of Iraq's urban areas that have access to drinkable water today
*32%:* Percentage of the bombs dropped on Iraq this year that were not precision-guided
*1983:* The year in which Donald Rumsfeld gave Saddam Hussein a pair of golden spurs
*45%:* Percentage of Americans who believed in early March 2003 that Saddam Hussein was involved in the 11 September attacks on the US
*$127 billion:* Amount of US budget surplus in the year that Bush became President in 2001
*$374 billion:* Amount of US budget deficit in the fiscal year for 2003
*1st:* This year's deficit is on course to be the biggest in United States history
*$1.58 billion:* Average amount by which the US national debt increases each day
*$23,920:* Amount of each US citizen's share of the national debt as of 19 January 2004
*1st:* The record for the most bankruptcies filed in a single year (1.57 million) was set in 2002
*10:* Number of solo press conferences that Bush has held since beginning his term. His father had managed 61 at this point in his administration, and Bill Clinton 33
*1st:* Rank of the US worldwide in terms of greenhouse gas emissions per capita
*$113 million:* Total sum raised by the Bush-Cheney 2000 campaign, setting a record in American electoral history
*$130 million:* Amount raised for Bush's re-election campaign so far
*$200m:* Amount that the Bush-Cheney campaign is expected to raise in 2004
*$40m:* Amount that Howard Dean, the top fund-raiser among the nine Democratic presidential hopefuls, amassed in 2003
*28:* Number of days holiday that Bush took last August, the second longest holiday of any president in US history (Recordholder: Richard Nixon)
*13:* Number of vacation days the average American worker receives each year
*3:* Number of children convicted of capital offences executed in the US in 2002. America is only country openly to acknowledge executing children
*1st:* As Governor of Texas, George Bush executed more prisoners (152) than any governor in modern US history
*2.4 million:* Number of Americans who have lost their jobs during the three years of the Bush administration
*221,000:* Number of jobs per month created since Bush's tax cuts took effect. He promised the measure would add 306,000
*1,000:* Number of new jobs created in the entire country in December. Analysts had expected a gain of 130,000
*1st:* This administration is on its way to becoming the first since 1929 (Herbert Hoover) to preside over an overall loss of jobs during its complete term in office
*9 million:* Number of US workers unemployed in September 2003
*80%:* Percentage of the Iraqi workforce now unemployed
*55%:* Percentage of the Iraqi workforce unemployed before the war
*43.6 million:* Number of Americans without health insurance in 2002
*130:* Number of countries (out of total of 191 recognised by the United Nations) with an American military presence
*40%:* Percentage of the world's military spending for which the US is responsible
*$10.9 million:* Average wealth of the members of Bush's original 16-person cabinet
*88%:* Percentage of American citizens who will save less than $100 on their 2006 federal taxes as a result of 2003 cut in capital gains and dividends taxes
*$42,000:* Average savings members of Bush's cabinet are expected to enjoy this year as a result in the cuts in capital gains and dividends taxes
*$42,228:* Median household income in the US in 2001
*$116,000:* Amount Vice-President Cheney is expected to save each year in taxes
*44%:* Percentage of Americans who believe the President's economic growth plan will mostly benefit the wealthy
*700:* Number of people from around the world the US has incarcerated in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba
*1st:* George W Bush became the first American president to ignore the Geneva Conventions by refusing to allow inspectors access to US-held prisoners of war
*+6%:* Percentage change since 2001 in the number of US families in poverty
*1951:* Last year in which a quarterly rise in US military spending was greater than the one the previous spring
*54%:* Percentage of US citizens who believe Bush was legitimately elected to his post
*1st:* First president to execute a federal prisoner in the past 40 years. Executions are typically ordered by separate states and not at federal level
*9:* Number of members of Bush's defence policy board who also sit on the corporate board of, or advise, at least one defence contractor
*35:* Number of countries to which US has suspended military assistance after they failed to sign agreements giving Americans immunity from prosecution before the International Criminal Court
*$300 million:* Amount cut from the federal programme that provides subsidies to poor families so they can heat their homes
*$1 billion:* Amount of new US military aid promised Israel in April 2003 to offset the "burdens" of the US war on Iraq
*58 million:* Number of acres of public lands Bush has opened to road building, logging and drilling
*200:* Number of public-health and environmental laws Bush has attempted to downgrade or weaken
*29,000:* Number of American troops - which is close to the total of a whole army division - to have either been killed, wounded, injured or become so ill as to require evacuation from Iraq, according to the Pentagon
*90%:* Percentage of American citizens who said they approved of the way George Bush was handling his job as president when asked on 26 September, 2001
*53%:* Percentage of American citizens who approved of the way Bush was handling his job as president when asked on 16 January, 2004


"Come, my friends! 'Tis not too late to seek a newer world!" said the poet Tennyson...We realize that we have this moment in time and space where we can change the outcome! Where we are not stuck!...this alternative vision of peace,... that this shall be a vision through which the creativity, and through which the transformational energy that will bring us this new world, can be achieved.

Come, my friends. 'Tis not too late to seek a newer world.

Dennis J. Kucinich
Excerpted from his 2003 Gandhi Peace Award Acceptance Speech

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Daily Political Funny
Dishonest Dubya Action Figure

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* Back from IEP. Boy was that ever a group of people happy to see us! Hate looks and tense air.
* IEP took 15 minutes to get started and lasted 15 minutes. The school system obviously does not have these children's interest at heart.
* Went to Knoxville Vistor's Center for the 10yr old's cultural project. Then home.
-Now preparing to go to the inlaws and work on a fax.

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* I want the ability to buy some nice dress clothes.

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* The 10 yr old got me going when I put the baby down for a nap and got in the tub he began playing his guitar loudly. We had a confrontation and I spoke strongly too him using some poorly chosen words like "you better damn well find out" in response to his "I didn't know" Which was a good lesson topic and I didn't over talk it and I didn't really yell at him. I spoke firmly. The lesson topic specifically said was "There will be many times in your life where you 'don't know' but you'd better damn well find out."


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* Day quickly going to hell. If you use the Covey planning approach, you'll recognize that I struggle to be in Q2, live most of life in Q1 and too often slip into Q4--I'd say this is typical of most people. Q1 is killing me!
* Grabbed that powernap---oooohh so nice!
* Helped bathe the baby and put her down for her "not nap" (ie. she's not napping)
* Some tech support to father-in-law
* Time to get freshened up for the meeting with the school system--a bunch of politically correct pain in the butts that realize all they have to do is talk crap to us a lot and we eventually move on. I debate taking this on as a pet project to bring change to the system. It would not impact us but would certainly make things better for future special needs children. Ah, that's not the real reason--I'd just like to see a couple of idiots shit canned.

•

* No rest for the weary. Baby awoke as I began craving a powernap. May try to steal one anyway as wife is asleep on the couch and the 13 yr old is in his room on his Gameboy SP


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A New Day!

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This Morning
* Up at 1:30 to check on the fire
* Up at 4:30 to check on the fire (still going and I didn't need to get out of bed)
* Alarm at 6:45, got out of bed at 6:10 to get the kids up. The 13 yr old is wide awake and asking for schoolwork! Is this his last minute attempt to prove he doesn't need to be put back in the school system?
* After getting the kids going and brewing coffee, I refueled the fire

Today's goals: IEP at the school, PHP work to be completed and uploaded, Phone calls to all other web developers, calls to potential employers

Last Night
* Worked on the fire and got it going again. It's a miracle considering I had no fire starters and only wet wood.
* Watched arrested development with wife and fell asleep.

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The secret to the morning
I've finally come to realize the secret of morning hours. For our sake let's consider the wishful morning hour 4am and the realistic one 6am. Here's the progression:

Teens

Mornings are necessary for a good parking space at school. 1 hour of flirting guaranteed. The shower helps wake up.

early 20s

Too hung over. The morning hours are when you stumble home from the bars and passout

late 20s

Mornings are once again social time...only now its at the gym and you feel great. Much work gets done because you get to the office before anyone else. You think you've discovered the elixir of life!!

Post 20s

Mornings are an unachievable goal where you dream of getting to have some quiet calm time to yourself where you can do something like read the newspaper before it gets thrown away. Instead, mornings mean rushing around trying to get the kids ready for school.

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* Time to help my 7 yr old memorize a speech at the last minute.

•

Hahaha! I just got a spam titled "Great Deal on '84 Models!" Weeelll. Let's assume they were legal in '84 at, what?, 17 years old and that would make them....47 oops. 37 (I must have been tired thanks for the comment)! So yes, you are going to get them for a steal!!

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* Been putzing on the computer for the last hour playing with blog tools. Found a friend has linked his blog to mine using Technorati. That was very exciting! I begin to regret putting such a negative twist on it to begin with now that I'm starting to enjoy it so much. This has been fun but my eyes are watering and although this was relaxing, I feel I should have been doing something like cleaning.
* Wife and baby are trying to sleep. Wife fighting migraine; baby screaming to get out of crib (I will rescue in a second).
* Spoke with mother and father on the phone. I think they are going to save my butt for a couple of weeks but I've got to get a job immediately!

•

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•

* Whew! Debts calculated. Files in better order. Office starting to improve. Now if I can get the mess a little more under control and can get an income, things will be much better.

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* Hopping out of my skin. Took another meclizine (stuck in throat) and switched to decaf tea. Back to filing and finances.

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* Hopping out of my skin. Took another meclizine (stuck in throat) and switched to decaf tea. Back to filing and finances.

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* Lunch break over.

•

2nd Mars Rover lands on Mars Looks like it landed near a subdivision! Either Mars is more similar to Earth than expected or the fake landing was staged too close to a Los Angeles residential area.

The actual article

Special note: My monitor is dying so it is darker than most. I could be seeing this picture different than you.

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* Having read my wife's blog, its quite evident we have some communications problems. She thinks some things are important to me that I do not think are important and I read too much into her thoughts. I'd guess this is typical of married couples.
* Done screwing around. Time to get to work on organizing my life, finances and office.

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* I feel like a disappointment. For over a year I've wanted to create from scratch some nice blogging software for the wife. Now she's moved to blogger.com. Her blog.

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* Washing some nice calming meclizine down with some good ol' invigorating coffee
* If I am not careful today, I can tell the 13 yr old is going to get on my nerves.

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What a great blog! Help Me Bubby!. Like Dear Abby online!

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* I know what I need to do. Get working on the file system and accounting. Feeling unnnnn focused. Eyes blurry. Must find glasses. Take some meclizine. I need something in my ears. All the white noise in this house is driving me crazy. I want music but can't readily pop some in. I'd love our whole cd collection to be in mp3 format on the network with some bluetooth headphones to listen to it!

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A New Day!

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This Morning
* I think I was up at 2am but not sure.
* Awake at 4am. Fire is still going as I can see the coals through the vents in the stove but I can't convince myself to go get wood despite knowing that it needs wood badly. Just rolled over and went back to sleep.
* 8:11 am I can't ignore the babies calls anymore. I'd really like to sleep in a little more.

Last Night
* Sheets were still wet. Dried them but wanted to go to bed. Got them dried but didn't want to disturb the wife so I just borrowed some of her covers and passed out.

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* Talked to Mom at 4:45ish and feel better. Went to pickup 10 yr old from a birthday party which always takes longer than expected. Being anywhere is better than being with the family! Dropped off ALL the kids at 5:30ish with the Grandmother and went to our first event cache which was very nice. It was fun to be just adults socializing and putting faces to the names of these people you feel like you've gotten to know just reading their log entries.
* Wife got a migraine 8ish and we rushed her home for rest. I wish I could have her back at the chiropractor and wish that I was better organized to actually fix her meals for a balanced diet.
* Went to pick up the 13 yr old and the 19mth old. Returned home with a very peaceful car ride only to have words with the 13yr old at the house. He has such a trashy mouth full of spite, hate and anger. Got them to sleep, checked email and am now here.

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* All my decent pens are gone
* Time for meclizine. My mind is racing. I don't know if its a placebo or not but it helps.

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* I need music. I can't get crap to play on the computers. I've listened to the same mini-discs so many times my ears want to bleed. And every CD case I own is empty or missing.

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* Helped wife run girlscout meeting. Chasing baby for 2 hours was exhausting. Returned home only to have to go back because the 10yr old left her cookie order form at AC Moore. Returned home stopping for milk and gas (hope I got those in the correct containers) and then helped the 10 yr old sell cookies for 40 minutes. Returned home to work on finances (several weeks worth of work to do in 2 hours).


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A New Day!

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This Morning
* Up at 7 but couldn't pull myself from bed until 7:30. I have to start waking at 4am every morning. That was a good time when I used to get up regularly at 4am.
* Painted bottle caps, got the fire re-fueled, fed the baby an eggo, painted bottle caps another 2 times at 30 min intervals, had some coffee, re-fueled the fire with thicker wood for a longer burn, fed the outside cat

mood: Feel stretched for time. I need to be working purely on finanaces and programming today but the schedule is packed!

Last Night
* In bed at 9pmish for relaxing break with intention to get up and work through the night--didn't happen, instead ice cream, a beer, chatting with the wife and some reading


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* Just got back from scootering with the 10 yr old. What fun! The brake system on the 13 yr old's scooter is still messed up which has me ticked but I'm going to get it working for him.

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A New Day!

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This Morning
* Got the kids up at 6 and I returned to bed until 6:30 then stayed up with them getting ready for school.
* Went to get hair cut. From there to the bank which on the way to I stopped at Autozone and poured 3 quarts of oil into the engine which ran straight out onto the pavement.
* Dropped car at Firezone for a $255 repair. then took their loaner car to the bank and home.

- Now off to phone calls

Yesterday
* Hellish day. Felt like throwing up many times. Had to decide between saying no to a job that I verbally said would not be a problem. I was taking it out of desperation but it would have me away from the family 5 days out of the week but only for 12 weeks. Doesn't matter if I made the right decision or not. It's done.
* Talked to father-in-law about the situation
* Talked to mother about the situation
* Took 7 yr old to boy scouts.
* Talked to mother on the phone about financial help.
* Relaxed at the tube. Woke a couple of times during the night.

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A New Day!

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This Morning
* Woke at 4:30 and could have jumped from bed but didn't allow myself to.
* Woke at 6, 6:17 (kids up), 6:30, 6:50 and 7 - finally got up
* 19 mth old awoke at 7:07 and I started warming the car in anticipation of her joining the car pool. Wife came up and got her (thank goodness! It was COLD outside).
* Ate some oatmeal, pondered the day, and read a book.
* Now need to check on the 19mth old.

Last Night
* Fixed dinner for the kids...rather gathered the kids for left over pizza and chicken pasta salad
* Called Dad to mention that the UPS should be picking up the damaged scooter. I wanted desperately to ask for help but didn't know how and he just volunteered it. I guess my jokes were taken as begging.
* Got fired going and kids to bed and watched television with wife. Was going to stay up late or all night working. She said "you're down for the night" and I was wired but ended up watching a movie from 11-1am "Hank's Heros" or something. At 1am I was still wide awake but shaking slightly; I knew needed sleep.


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Gear shift
5:00pm -- whistle blows; no one cares about buying things or giving jobs at this point in the day. Time to change clothes and prepare dinner.


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* Ran to the unemployment agency although I didn't realize that was what I was doing. Got into their job search system. Confirmed that a self-employed person cannot collect unemployment :)
* 10 yr old found out that we are trying to get him out of home schooling and back into the school system; he is pissed!

"I've been up Shit Creek so long I can't remember ever having a paddle. And my canoe is taking on water."

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* I'm supposed to start work in Nashville on Monday.

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A New Day!

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This Morning
* Woke wide awake at 2am. Knew the fire needed wood but could not motivate myself to get fuel for the fire. Could not get out of bed to work. Went back to sleep.
* Woke wide awake at 4am but could not motivate myself to get wood or get out of bed. Went back to sleep.
* Woke at 6am and went back to sleep until 6:30 when I got the kids up. Went back to bed until 6:45 checked on kids. Went back to bed until 7. Put small twigs on coals and acheived flame. Took kids to school. The 10 yr old had been day dreaming (my fault for not being up there) and wasn't coming outside so the 7 yr old and I left and picked up the car pool 7 yr old and return for the pissed of 10 yr old.
* Bought milk and my first TN Lottery Ticket :)
* Gave the 13 yr old his medicine and went back to bed at 7:50 to get up at 9:15 and refuel the fire.

This day is going to suck. I'll have a phone call asking if I can be in Nashville on Monday. I am going to bath and suit up and run over to a state run employment agency today for some employment counciling. Need a haircut bad. Need to work on php. Need to call people and make sure things like cell phone aren't going to be cut off. Need to work on finances badly. Need to get myself together.

Last Night
* Wife had a terrible headache. 13 yr old watched the history channel in our room with us. I massaged wife's head and neck between her running to the bathroom to vomit. If we had insurance, I would have had her in the ER. If I'm out of town on a contract and this had happened, how would this household manage. We need to stay together to take care of each other.
* 13 yr old to bed at 11pm. I read from 11pm-midnight while periodically going upstairs to tell the 13 yr old "turn out the light" "get to sleep" and so on



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* I need my family insured badly. Tonight I need to calculate exactly what I need to make to survive and go for that. I mean, if $14/hr does it shouldn't I go for that?

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* Craziness upstairs


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* Cooked meatloaf for tomorrow and ordered pizza for tonight
* No real yelling at the kids today. A couple of stern voices and some cursing at the 13 yr old (will work on that next)
* Tired as all get out. Would kill for 20 minutes of peace to read by

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* Interview over. Went too well. I really need a fulltime job with insurance and I want it in town. This is gonna kill me even if it is only 3 months.

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Other developers make a decent living from their homes. What am I doing wrong?

* Kids are out of control. I must go watch them. Snack time anyway. Phone interview in 40 minutes.

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* Worked on php site and made good progress but did not finish. bathed. dressed. had lunch. stoked fire. walked dogs. fed and watered dogs. Went to meeting about php site.
* meeting went well
* came home, changed into casual clothes, stoked fire, snack. Wife now going to sleep to take care of her migraine. I really need to get a decent job so she can see a doctor about those.

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* Ah! Worked on php site some. Must make it purdy before 11. Must take meclizine. I will probably be offered the 3 mth contract on the phone today. Crap.

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* Read some in Diaspora with the dictionary in my other hand. Taught the 7 yr old how to look up words in the dictionary.
* Checked the 10 yr old's homework. She had done 2 problems from one section then the last 3 problems from the previous, easier section. She got it all straightened out and didn't argue when I asked her not to erase the other work. Made sure both heads were combed and at least the 7yr old brushed and flossed.
* Drove kids to schoool. Man is it ever cold outside!
* Stopped by Pilot to pick up a free lottery ticket. Got inside and realised how ragged I must look. Haven't bathed in days. Enjoyed the scene and listened to the chatter for a second and left. Today is Tennessee's first lottery day.
* Returned home, added wood to the fire--smaller sticks, trying to bring up the temperature. Fixed breakfast and am settling in for work. My mind immediately begins to revolt.

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A New Day!

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This Morning
* I awake at 5 but cannot rise. Get out of bed at 6:04 and wake the 10yr old so she can do the homework she conveniently neglected to mention over this 4 day weekend. I walk the dog, start coffee, wake the 7yr old boy and get logs for the fire.
* 19mth old wakes fully while I'm getting the 10yr old -- of course this happens on the morning I need to be working but she goes back to sleep.

My previous marriage failed because I worked too much (that's an oversimplification). Our lives are now falling apart because I don't work enough. I can't balance life and work.

Last Night
* The 13 yr old watched history channel until 11pm
* I worked until 11pm and the database still won't accept new records! php/mysql sucks.
* Read some more in Diaspora then slept at 1am


•

* Being overcome with tiredness

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* I'm wiped. My php work isn't done but needs to be presented tomorrow. I have a phone interview at 4pm AH! That's good. The morning is open!
* I'm worried sick that my 19mth old is ill and I don't have the means to take care of her.

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* php code no longer submitting to the database. Despite over simplifying the code it still doesn't work. I'm going to pull some hair out.
* While wasting my time with this php stuff the contract job is coming ever closer while no perm prospects show. The 19mth old seems to have a lump on her left breast. Of course, living close to Oak Ridge cancer fears race through my body and words like "PREEXISTING CONDITION" I am such a pathethic excuse for a provider!

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* mind racing. stop. chew some gum. get to work!

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* The walls are closing in


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* Baby up. Boys taking ps2 break from their work. My brain is fried. I could use a nap.

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* Lunch done. Baby refusing to nap. Wife tense. 7 yr old reading diligently on his assignment to learn who Daniel Boone was. 10 yr old ticked that she is having to work on her long term assignment. Me? I feel if I'm not careful I could have a snap so I must be extra flexible and strive to respond not react. Must get work done. Have suggested that the baby be left home so that the wife can have some relaxing time to herself during the 10 yr old's psychologist appointment (10 yr old full of anger and hate).

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Today's transitional point

We've reached the point in the day where the focus has to change and there is more to do than the mind can grasp. What is most important? The php work. On to that. Don the headphones! Put on the blinders!

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* need food

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Today's goals: finish php site!!

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---

Poo Poo Head

Now here's the kind of thing you miss out on having an office away from the house or by not having kids.

Friend of 7 yr old: "10 yr old. Come outside!"
10 yr old girl: Harshly "NO!"
Friend of 7 yr old: Shouts "Poo poo head! *door slams*

Now that's good stuff!

---

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* My wife has shared that she is "having a crappy morning" (duh!) but refuses to tell me how I can help or share what is going on. Today is one of those days where a working man could "disconnect" himself from family life at an office and have less stress.

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* resume off. Meeting with the php work scheduled for tomorrow. He called and wanted it to be today but that's physically impossible. Damn vaporware!

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* Royal pain in the rear. Got the resume modified. Not terribly pleased.

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* with crossed, fingers I've got the art computer working with MS Word. Mouse is crappy and frustrating
* Wife is doing that "she's mad at me but won't give me a hint" thing. It makes my heart turn into a 20 lb weight. I feel like someone has put lead in my chest.

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I can't keep MS Word open for more than a second. DAMN! Why me?! Every tiny thing has to go wrong for me!!

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* worse yet. I haven't put a keystroke toward the php work that should have been completedly already. Really, it should have been less than a day's work.

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* Computer's are refusing to play nice. Can't edit the word document that the recruiter needs.

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A New Day!

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This Morning
* up at 7. Walking dog. Watching trash truck drive on past us (I've got to get them the $90 I owe!). Reading the paper (today's cypher was ridiculuously easy). Breakfast (oatmeal). Getting the baby (new diaper and breakfast). Phone call from recruiter.
* Now trying to get word doc modified but MS Word is crashing. This is going to look bad to the recruiter.
* I am trying to run a website related to the Tennessee Lottery and am a year behind schedule. I comment that "I should have been collecting articles and putting them in a folder" and my wife responds "why!?" Does no one understand the research side of creating a successful business model? I could create a successful business model selling mudpies with a decent capital seed and the right amount of effort.

Last Night
* Took the brainbench test on CF 5 and scored 4.82 out of 5 which according to the results is better than 99 percent of people who took the test.
* 10:15-10:30 trying to get to the bedroom to watch a movie at 10:15 with the wife. This time is stoking the fire and preparing it for a long, low burn (the room is sooo much better now!), getting the kids settled and getting a snack.
* 10:30-midnight moview
* midnight to 1am reading--bout of insomnia. Had lots of energy but couldn't focus it. Should have programmed all night.


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* I'm wound like a watch spring right now. Wife wants me to watch a movie at 10:15 which I'd love to do but I'm so worn out that I just want to go lie down right now and sleep. I have to do this proficiency test for the recruiter and if I wait much longer I'll be too tired and make silly mistakes. I need a job badly. The 19mth old seems to have a lump on her left breast and a persisting rash on her inner left thigh and I have no insurance to take her to the doctor with.

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Explemplorary Chaos

Here's the type of thing that most DINKS miss out on. I am trying to have some calming time to myself after a totally depressing day with some reading on Diaspora by Greg Egan and playing the guitar when the 7yr old and his friend tell me I am taking them to the store for snacks then the 13 yr old declares that he has dog poop on his shoe after walking the dog 15 minutes ago. That's 15 minutes of tramping dog poop through the house. I'd like to require shoes be removed at the front door but I personally like keeping my shoes on.



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* 10yr old dropped -- nevermind.. I should quit trying. Should have gone to Memphis.

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* between the blogging and the web programming my left wrist is taking a huge hit. Popping and hurting. Pulling out the weights.

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* hungry. Getting some meclizine and some more coffee. I'm calmer now and need to supervise upstairs so the wife can have some calming time.

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* I'm just causing problems upstairs. Going to retire down here, put on some headphones, and just work on the computer all day today. They can do without me for one day.

* Last night I got my Meclizine refilled. It is the generic form of Antivert used to treat dizziness. So I the pharmasist puts warning stickers on the documentation including "May cause dizziness." I about died laughing.

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* back hurts


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* forgot to add in the "lousy father" report. Went upstairs this morning and the hall gate is open for the dog (a puppy that is staying for a day or two) to romp and chew up all kinds of things. The door to the 10yr old's room (where the 19mth old sleeps until I can get on my feet enough to build an addition) is wide open. The 13 yr old and 7 yr old are playing ps2 in the 13yr old's room. Without as much as a "good morning" I jump on them. The 13yr old should have brought down his medicine when he got up. (that was all he got) The 7yr old has been told repeatedly not to eat food on the furniture. He's munch right out of the cereal box. And they aren't supposed to have food in the bedrooms at all since we tried it and it didn't work out. He left the gate open. And left the bedroom door open after "going in to check on the baby" (which is terribly sweet but if that door squeaks she wakes). Bad dad! bad dad! I had a 2nd voice in my head saying "back off" "its no big deal" "correct your tone" and after that initial instinctive "jump on them for this" I pulled in the reigns.

I have to learn "7 yr old boys have their brains turned off" and that our 13yr old is really a 7yr old in a big body.

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A New Day!

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This Morning
* Up at 4am rearing to go but allowed myself to lie back down. Up again 7:45ish and have walked the dog and put fresh, but wet, wood on the fire.

Dream: Dreamed that some goofball kids were surveying my lot with very little care and that in doing so I lost 1/4 acre to the neighbor. While I was inspecting the markings, they were in the house (went in basement side where my son was playing ps2). Looked like grifters to me.

Dream: An earlier dream began with me trying to rappel down a dangerous cliff or building onto some railroad tracks. It went horrible wrong. The dream changed to be in some kind of building observatory. It was glass domed and on the glass some impossible distance about the earth was this strange object. It was raining. As we got closer, it turned out to be 3 large sea turtles on sitting on the outside of the glass. We were then attacked by aliens that had come to collect the turtles. Our group packs into an elevator and an alien gets one blue lazer shot off hitting a compatriot in the arm. Fortunately he is wearing a protective suit and it does nothing more than throw him backwards. -- that's enough. It goes on and there is much more detail but unless I'm going to turn it into a novel it is silly to continue.

Last Night
* Finished watching Chicago on DVD.
* read some more in Diaspora
* found a DEEEEP sleep afterwards
 

Today's Goals: php/mysql (kill it), finances, clean house

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* made a chicken pasta and a curry chicken for dinner (recipes to follow later)
* watched Chicago with wife and 7yr old fell asleep while spending some time with us. Good guy!
* Nite all!

State of me
Not dizzy (but Meclizine may be the reason); tired but know that I should put in a few hours on this computer. Overall, happy and mellow. But can flip that like a light switch to cranky and snappy.

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* fire looks stable. I think the chill in the room is already gone. Off to get a cooking pot of water to help humidify the air.

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* Woodstove lit. First time in 2 years. I cleaned it decently first. Now that's a danger to the baby!


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Dizzy Report

*Cleaned the roof. No dizziness. Inspected the flue for the woodstove and its clean enough to eat off of! Fire tonight!


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* I've been reading Greg Egan's Diaspora and am amused that I am understanding it so well. It is science fiction packed with science fact. I have just finished Alice in Quantumland by Robert Gilmore which explains Quantum Physics quite well. Fortunately (recognising this in great hindsight), I had a great science teacher in the 7th grade that imposed some of these lessons on us. I recommend both books but read Alice first--its a tough read.
   

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Desires

At this exact moment I want to do:
- Go up on roof and inspect chimney myself so we can have a fire
- Get Tommy's scooter out and fix it
- Get mad at scooter company for not returning my calls
- Work on php/mysql website
- Write detailed blog entry for this morning
- Add book references with my Amazon store to the blog
- Figure out why my eyes don't seem to want to focus today
- Sand, patch, paste and finish gate repair upstairs

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A New Day!

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This Morning
* rough start
* much movement and baby crying all around 7-7:30. Baby crying stopped so I hid under the covers (later to find that the 7yr old "rescued" the baby and was playing with her..very nice!)
* Got up again around 10 or 11 from a sleep of the dead

Last night
* sleep 10ish. Washed down 25mg meclizine with 1 Guinness


•

* Computer flipping out. Sorta appropriate

good karma
* Called the bank and although I have checks bouncing left and right it doesn't sound like they are poised to close my account yet but I have to correct things quickly
* After turning down the Memphis job, another agency has called with a 3 mth contract in Nashville

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I am such an ogre to the kids. I've got to change that.

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* I'm working but I feel like I'm walking through waist deep mud.

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* sound of screaming children could be in the music I'm listening to. I turned up the volume to drown them out and at regular intervals the screams--nevermind, that was definitely a child

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* I'd kill to have my 2nd monitor back

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* over tired 7 yr olds now fighting. I see the advantage of working at an office. My urge is to go upstairs and help.

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* created visual aid to encourage the 13 yr old to Respective, Have a positive attitude and be productive. However, he only cares about himself and it won't make a difference. He's up there banging on the table again and acting retarded.

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* 13 yr old now stomping on the floor directly above my head while I try to work. 19mth old awake.

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* 13 yr old really trying hard to make us angry. Making noises, trying to irrate and engage us

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* It's done. I've finally achieved the possibility of a 4 day work week.. A long time goal and I have turned it down. The damage to the family would be far to great. I feel like an idiot.

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* I feel horrible for losing my temper.
* Beef jerk on dehydrator
* Working on php/mysql - time to don the headphones
* 1 hour to decide on the 11mth contract. They've asked if I were to do a 12x4 (Mon-Thur) if that would make a difference. Crap crap crap! I could have a paycheck by next Friday.

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* 9:27 wife still in bed with a migraine. I should be calling my client to say I'm done but I still have some solid work to do. Baby is unwatched. 13 yr old is trying to have a fight. I haven't been able to bathe and get dressed. Sears has called and I uncomfortably wrote them a check for 2/7. Employment agency called and asked if I could do 12 hours a day Monday - Thursday to make the contract happen. * Proceeded to go upstairs and do battle with the 13yr old. I reverted to my old forceful ways and handled him wrongly. I've been doing so much better. I am very disappointed in myself. I pushed him into the bathroom causing him to scream and disturb the 7yr old and his friend, the baby staring in confusion, and wake the wife. He refused to do anything but sit on the floor screaming so I pushed his 170+ pounds half way into the tub and began watering his head down. I left and when I returned he still refused to make any move so I put him in the tub and turned the water on where he proceeded to simply sit and let the water cover his jeans. -- I shouldn't take my anger and frustration out on others. Yes, he was picking a fight since he woke up, had several times baited me with yelling and anger but I should have more tolerance. Turns out he is in a bad mood because the other kids have today off but he is being made to do schoolwork today since he really didn't work this past week as hard as he should (and he has it pretty easy).

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A New Day!

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This Morning
* The 7yr old and friend were up at 7:30. The 19mth old was up at 7. I really wanted to sleep in. Brought her upstairs 7:30ish for breakfast and tv babysitting.

Last Night
* I was up at 1:45am and ready to go. Should have stayed awake and worked. The 7yr old and his friend sleeping over were still up.

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* I just flung white glue throughout the innards of our nicest dvd player.

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* Always have focus problems in the afternoons. I should work like 4am - 1pm. Wife at store with the girls. 7yr and 3 friends were upstairs. We are now down to 2. Kept the 13yr old from them but have released him to do whatever he wants now.


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Hey! That bridge is a burnin!

Turned down an opportunity to work for Fedex. I'm in shock. I've chosen family. "No success at work is worth failure in the home." What if I fail to cloth, feed and house my family? I'm nearly shaking.

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* turn down $39/hr and no benes or not??

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* 7 yr old and friend home. 13 yr old's school work is magically complete.

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* just wasted an hour watching the 13 yr old practice handwriting. He was pissed because I wouldn't allow him to use old work as "I just did this" and I made him actually do the assignment correctly. Lots of yelling from him but I kept myself calm, quiet and to the point.

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* visio docs created to get a hold and rope in this php/mysql project

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* time spent lecturing 13 yr old trying to convince him that school and more importantly the concept of "caring" is important. How in the world do you instill "caring" into someone that really has never considered the concept beyond vocalizing "I do too care!"
* Ate omelette for lunch. (Let's see how many times we can misspell taht[sic])
* working again

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Wahoo! Good Karma!

Despite missing the last payment, the student loan is coming out of default and is being reconsolidated under a new loan with today's interest rates. Balance should drop from roughly $46000 to $40000 because they are going to waive all but 18% of the late fees. I just need to be able to say I have income (real soon!).



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* coffee break over. Wife says I'm dressed like a pirate today :) Or Michael J Fox from Back to the Future. I can't wait until our debts are paid down and I can get a new wardrobe.
* Sliced and marinated the brisket for beef jerky (see Dietrich's Jerky Recipe Found that salt has no shelf life unless its seasoned salt
* Fixed wife omlet
- I love to cook!

Dietrich's Jerky Recipe
note: In college I think I used to pride myself on never actually letting anyone "get to close." I had tons of friends but I made myself feel as if I was not close to anyone. In reality, I had more close friends than most people probably accumulate in their lives. Dietrich was a close friend with some great outdoors skills. Also introduced me to Oakley sunglasses...thanks for the expensive habit :)

recipe: Get a cut of brisket from the store with as little fat as possible. Cut into strips. For chewy jerky cut against the grain (my preferred method) or for less chewy jerky cut with the grain. [I recommend doing this by hand to appreciate the art but after a few times get the butcher to machine cut it. You'll end up with more fat but its less work. I personally find the cutting an enjoyable and relaxing.] In a tupperware dish or baking dish lay the strips out and sprinle lightly with garlic powder, and kosher salt. Marinate in Dale's Steak Seasoning for as long as you like. I usually do it overnight. Then dehydrate. Method 1: oven. Cover your bottom rack with aluminum foil. Clean the middle rack then lay your strips of marinated brisket over the rack. Put the oven on the lowest possible setting and dry the meat for 14 hours. Method 2: Using a dehydrater, dry the meat for 8 hours (give or take depending on the dehydrater and your preference--the jerky can be over dried and is horrible when it is). Just like the old cowboys you now have a preserved meat that does not need refrigeration, is tasty, and filling. Enjoy!

Warning: It's habit forming!




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* coffee break

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* talked to staffing agency. led them on a little to be able to get the guts to turn them down. Will call this afternoon and explain I had lunch with the inlaws and ... something from there.

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* disturbing noises upstairs - ignore ignore ignore

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* taking 25 mg of meclizine. Not dizzy right now but anxiety is too high. Feel ill.

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* calmed with some reading..well..didn't calm far. Gave me time to think that "I need to feed both cats" "MUST cook today..need pineapple" "money" "balance books" and other todos

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A New Day!

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This Morning
* Worked with the 7yr old on a spelling practice. Had he taken the test without practice it would have been his worst. He may still not fair well.
* Worked with the 10yr old on addition and subtraction of fractions, and improper fractions. I enjoy working with the kids.

state of being
* I am angry with myself. I've had some great domains relating to the Tennessee Lottery for a year. I could have been promoting them and had so much traffic to them by now (the first tickets go on sale in 5 days) that I would have been solicited by the commission in some way (lawsuit, partnership, payoff..whatever) or at least been making money in advertising sales. It may be too late to recover. I need to be working fulltime on it but that doesn't make money plus my life doesn't really permit it. I have to start sleeping less!
* On the positive side, I began my stretching exercises again today. Those make me feel great and help me find a meditative balance in my life.

today's goals: Finish (completely) the php/mysql project that I started [hopefully receive payment before the 19th], work on personal lottery related website [this is also a training exercise to bring me up to speed with css and rss-my skillset is starting to feel aged to me], some kind of marketing effort [hmm. I should be specific.] table toppers to several businesses, call employment agency and turn down Memphis job (they will quit working with me..one more bridge on fire), COOK!

Last Night
* found sleep near midnight
* woke from deep sleep and jumped out of bed resulting in a dizzy spell so strong that it floored me (literally)

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* overcame mysql problem. After learning how to define the user I realized I'd made a typo in the user name in the code. oops.
* need to rest my eyes. Wife is pissed at me. I -- let's just say I spoke out of line.

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Yahoo! Making progress on the db design in mysql. Need to take a break. Miss wife.

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good times
* took the 7yr old and the 10 yr old to Krispy Kreme for their great report card doughnuts. Teased them the whole trip saying I was dropping them off for an all night study session at the school "since you got such good grades and want to keep them good they are going to have you stay at the school studying math and spelling" I even went into the school parking lot. I kept prompting "but what would YOU do for an honor roll student" and asked the question many different ways. I was almost to Krispy Kreme before they figured it out.

bad times
* Was having a relaxing evening and watching Smallville with the wife and wanted to get my dinner but my carelessness knocked over an open container of apple sauce which hit the ground perfectly to cover me from head to toe. I was furious and really held it back but still yelled "who's apple sauce am I wearing". I resist any cursing but still questioned why open containers were in the fridge and the wife got mad and I feel like absolute crap. I thought I was going to pop a blood vessle in my head because of the mixed emotions but mostly anger towards myself for losing my temper. Now things are unbearably tense.

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* That was completely embarassing. Ex-wife's name on the paperwork and the in-laws paying the Nov, Dec and Jan mortgage payments. Add on another 2 grand that I need to repay to generous people. I look back at the manuals I've written and the planning and strategy tools I've built in the past and they were so well thought out and well done. I should not be here.

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* in laws here to pay mortgage. Head pounding.

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* Picked up 10 yr old at school. She's having difficulty with addition and subtraction of fractions and about to go onto multiplication and division and I'm racking my brain to remember least common denominators and such.

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Political If you haven't, you should look at http://www.bushin30seconds.org/ and read George Orwell's 1984


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This afternoon has been quite an adventure.
* Went to the bank to deposit an insurance check. Balance still negative but account doesn't get closed until the 19th so I still have a chance to save it.
* Went to Nature's Pantry. Doc Bro bought some ear candles for me but the customer service guy couldn't find them. He was the first rudeish person I've ever run across at Nature's Pantry. I asked, "Could they be at the register?" To which he replied, "No. We wouldn't do that." Vmails to the Bro and wife.
* Office Depot to get a bound pad of paper for the 13 yr old's school work and erasable coloring pencils. At the check-out, I notice a table set up with a sign "Free Blood Pressure Check" Just what the brother ordered! First numbers come in at 178/86. 2nd numbers 143/86 pulse 72. Oh I remember the days of a 58 pulse everytime!
* Coming out of Office Depot channel 8 WVLT interviews me, unshaven and not at my most literate, for a 5:30 report they are doing on whether or not unlimited long distance saves money. I gave good commentary but wasn't minding any of my actorial training. I am and probably always will be a theatrical performer instead of on camera.
* Brother's wife is on the phone when I am passing Nature's Pantry again so we go in and speak with Michelle who says "Oh, it's by the register" (remember, "we would never put it there"?) So I'm prepared to have my ears vaccuumed. Looking forward to it. Maybe my hearing will improve :)
* Passing Am South I stop for their promotion and get the kids some B-97 promotional items, sign up for $1000 give-a-away and turn down a free checking account and a chance to grab money out of their money booth.
* Back to work

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* Pep Boys contacted to correct UPS debacle.

Careful with insuring packages
Pep Boys sells Dad a scooter for the 10 yr old's Christmas. It accidentally gets shipped to his house (damaged) so he insures it and ships it here. Pep Boys agrees to take it back but it UPS ships it from here to Dad's house then sends a letter explaining that the package had insufficient packing and therefore they weren't responsible for the damage.

So! Why didn't the sales clerk look at the package, the description, the weight, and the insured amount and decline to insure it. I thought that if you "insure" something that you are accepting the risk and contracting to pay if the risk happens. Double-check before you waste money insuring packages!

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Student Loans

BLAST! The wife's student loans went into default a while back during her divorce or something. I worked with the collection agency and we've paid $550 per month for the past year to get back on good terms. The end result would be getting to refinance the $45,000 remaining at today's interest rates. We missed the very last payment and have until tomorrow to make it up by Western Union or we have to do the whole year again and won't be able to refinance until after the next election (with more than likely higher interest rates). This rots!

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* Been working hard. Must break for lunch and a run to the bank soon. Want to incorporate some marketing as I go but don't want to suit up.

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* My cat gargoyle normally on the monitor has taken to insisting on my lap. This either means that its time to get a flat panel display, the liter box needs changing, or she needs food or water. I think I'll assume its time to get a flat panel display.

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* Dr Brother calls and gives me some advice for the dizziness over the phone. I'm very excited about his approach since my gp said that the only thing I could do was wait it out or do some time consuming expensive physical therapy. Besides, I like my bro's more holistic approach.
* Starting to freak. It's 10:49 and I haven't begun programming. Setting aside all other distraction and programming now.

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Wal*Mart to end our way of life
"KB Toys Follows FAO Into Bankruptcy" Is it just me or does anyone else recognize that in a few years we are going to be screwed to the Wal*? Once Walmart underprices all major stores out of business, the toy stores, the grocery stores, the sports stores, and we have only Walmart to shop from, the prices will shoot through the roof!

I'm off to buy Wal*mart stock...

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Today's goals: banking, work on the contracted web project, cook the chicken and beef jerfy, work on self web project

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A New Day!

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This Morning
* I actually get up! Did not return to bed. Granted, I didn't get up until 6:30 but I did get up!
* Bathe the 7 yr old
* The kids are in jolly moods and I'm nice to them. No grumpies!
* Return from car pool to bury the cats 2 day old mole kill (in warmer weather it would have been fly food by now) then have a "sexual responsibility" talk with the 13 yr old-topics: cleaning up after that personal activity, tissues by the bed, not leaving seminal fluid about, disease--what fun!

Last Evening
* Seems we forgot to give the 13 yr old his medicine
* The 19 mth old splits her lip just as Mom is trying to get out the door for a Girl Scout training meeting on selling cookies (which none of the other generous mother's would donate time for). I lose my temper not because it happened but because no one cleaned up the toys. It was an irrational and unreasonable response. It bugs me that I'm such a loose cannon now-a-days. I used to choose my battles so much more carefully.
* Chaos calms and the 10yr old gets on her home work, the 13 yr old settles in bed for reading, the 7yr old works on his Daniel Boone project and I join him for some Internet research. We print a 17 page document and staple it to look like a book (I was hoping this would engage him better than loose papers) and set him down to read it. He gets through most of it before I give him a break and send him to bed to read Yu-Gi-Oh..a book that reads right to left but is printed in English.
* Cingular text messaging was down so I spend 1/2 hour on hold to get tech support to tell me its down in all markets and they don't know why. "Could be morning before its back"
* Call Dad to wish him a happy birthday. Find out my brother got his job in South Carolina. At least someone is getting employed.
* Wife returns and we discover the 7yr old didn't make it (in the morning he remains strongly opinioned that he did not wet his pants)
* Evening of email, chats and tv with the wife. Strong dizzy spells in bed.
* 13 yr old stayed up well past midnight masterbating. Tired dense dad goes upstairs to see what the noise is about to have 13 yr old quickly jump from the bathroom to the bed onto his stomach only to ask a stupid question "why the hell are you naked?" to get a well deserved blunt answer of "I was playing with myself" -- pause -- "oh, do you need to change your sheets?" which was prompted by his statement of "I had to wash my hands." You DINKS don't know what you're missing!

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Afternoon of chaos

Good amount of programming started.
The Internet went berserk and email wasn't coming through while we were trying to get ready to leave the house for doctors appointments. 7 and 10 yr old home from school and straight to car already holding 19mth old and 13yr old (yes, car...we need a van badly Donate here) Forgetting the check for the bank, we head to doc appointment 1. Dropping all others at office, the 7 yr old and I head to McCay's for the freebie cultural papers to help the 10 yr old with her long term school report. Stomach still feeling poorly after the dizzy episode in the bath.

Long and short, the 10 yr old finishes and we leave the 13 yr old on his appointment and go to UT's International House (wow! nice web page) for local cultural info..kinda draw a blank although its fun forcing the 10 yr old out of her shell. We get to the info desk and the lady says "Can I help you?" so the 10 yr old looks up at me with those longing eyes and I reply "It's your report" and physically step away. She handles herself remarkably well speaking clearly and confidentally while silently cursing my existence. We head out for our first pee emergency and barely get the 7 yr old into the Marble Slab's bathroom. Hmm. Delimia. Should we buy something? I almost buy the wife some ice cream but that would create a living nightmare amongst the kids. Off to Sonic for dinner then back to the doctor's office and onto rush hour traffic and another pee emergency with no where to stop. We are in front of the Cherokee County Club and I debate letting him pee on the golf course. I allow social stigma to prevent me from stopping at the Green's house and asking for the rest room. In hind sight had they refused I could have simply let him water their shrubs and we would have saved a wet pants. It was however a good lesson that he needs to take advantage of every stop and use the rest room because when the urge comes, he goes.

We thought we had made it when we pulled over in a church parking lot and he watered a tree then upon entering the car said "Thank you God". It was adorable!

* well, off for some quality time with the wife then a return for some late night programming.

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Dizziness

There has to be something physilogical about the dizziness. When I bath and put my head underwater it takes off bad. If I keep my eyes open and fixated on a static object its better but still there. Working on the facial on the ladder 24 feet up was trippy.

Baby Cognition
The 19 mth old continues to amuse and amaze me. She brought her soccer ball to me and I said "go put it on your slide" and she thought about it, then walked half way through the house to stand at the midpoint of the slide; obviously not good enough, after a brief pause she goes to the ladder, hefts the ball up to the platform then climbs up to put the ball down the slide. Fantastic!

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* The local job I'd like won't start interviewing for a week or 2. It sounds exciting! The timing on these things isn't going well. I've contacted a local entertainment group to see if they have any work for me in the meantime.

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* been procrastinating on becoming an Amazon affiliate. Now fixed. Application submitted. Granted, that distracted me from work which I am now getting back to.

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Ah! The only way to work. Allnetic Timetracker running, some really good Indian sandwood incense burning, Sting's Mecury Rising blaring in the headphones.. Erie Mon!

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* terribly unfocused. seems I need an immediate goal. Here it is: get a cup of coffee, put on headphones, create dev environment for new project (track hours)

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* NEED FOOD!

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Wahoo! Tennessee Lottery Results is coming! Also TN Lottery Results. Starts January 20, 2004!

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* It's hot as Hades upstairs and cold as a refrigerator downstairs. I'm so tempted just to light up a fire in the wood stove. Negatives: none of the wood is split and the flue hasn't been inspected for 2 years.

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* One marketing email off

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A New Day!

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This Morning
* Woke at 6:07 and got the kids going. I was wide awake but could not convince myself to do stretching exercises or even go upstairs and just read. Went back to bed until 6:35 when I returned upstairs the 7yr old was dressed and the 10yr old had been sleeping on the couch. Can't blame her. Got them motivated and return to bed until 7am. Went upstairs and gave the 13 yr old his medicine, read and took the smaller two to pickup up their friend and go to school. Each time I went to bed either in my sleep or while lying there I thought about what needs to get done and the money situation and get time I experience more dizziness.
* 13 yr old doing what he is supposed to be doing!
* Today ends at 2:30 (maybe). At 2:30 our afternoon doctor appointments begin. I enjoy being a part of these kind of things although I recognize that our time could probably be better spent divided. It's difficult for me to be productive in the late afternoons anyway.
* Goals today: Submit 3 resumes, get major work done on the small project, solitic other work, get magnetic sign for the car (maybe)

Last Night
Quality time with wife. Found sleep at midnight.

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Delimia!

Me body wears down. I need to (1) work on the work I accepted and haven't started. I agreed to get it done by the end of the week and that will happen. (2) Work on the finances--I must have a concrete figure for all that is owed so I can strategize on what gets paid and what doesn't. (3) my own website (4) submit a resume but all I want to do is (5) chill with my wife in bed and rest.



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* Just returned from D&D session with the 13 yr old. I think he got a better idea of how the game functions. He is jazzed and went straight to "maybe I can be a GM." If I stay in town, I'd like to work it out where perhaps I run sessions for a younger age group of kids. I know time is so abundant for us right now. I just don't know what to do with myself.

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* Dinner done. 3 youngest bathed. These past couple of hours are why parents don't need the gym. Heart rate up. Many miles walked (in the interior of a 2000 sq ft house).
* 13 yr old high as a kite since we are about to go observe a D&D game.

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* Score 1000 more on the "bad dad" ometer. 7 yr old throws up after I gave him tylenol and coolaid....grape and fruit punch respectively. Bad idea! A cold compress and a rest on the couch would have been in order. Of course, I blow up and ask why when standing in the bathroom he has to throw up all over the floor when there is a sink, toilet, tub and trash can he could aim for (What a schmuck I am!). My mind was more on the new cabinet that I installed and the fact that I have sealed the bottom front yet where the puke is now going under the cabinet. Need to work on my sympathy and temper! To make it worse, I proceed to yell at the 13 yr old while he is holding the 19mth old. Ok.. Everyone cry! 10 yr old returns home. Corrective measures begin with my apologies to the kids. Clean up the mess. Check the 7 yr old for fever. Get the 10 yr old and 13 yr old to place nice with the 19 mth old. Remove bottom draw. Mess cleans up easily. Yelled for no good reason (there is NEVER a good reason). Will torment myself with this for a while. Must return to save older siblings from youngest.

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* 10 yr old wants to play with the 7 yr old boys with the high school boys alone in the house. I say no. So she changes it to can I play at her friend's house which is right beside the boys--for all I know, she's with the boys (paranoid yes).
* 7 yr old crashes bike and does his first body over handle bars flip. Is rather shaken up. I of course immediately change the subject by yelling at him for wearing his school shoes to play in the mud--score 10 on the "bad dad" meter. I catch myself and fix things up. We have tylenol, check out the bike and go for a short ride then have some coolaid and head to the bath. "Head hurts bad."
* 13 yr old baby sitting again.
* I decide that its time to cook dinner and a meal for tomorrow as well as some beef jerky. 7 yr old calling.


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* oh. It would appear we've lost our first utility today. Garbage pickup never came. I guess they are really mad at us.

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* Criminal background check sent. Awaiting fedex of contract and information on where to go for drug testing.
* Wife off to some time for herself ( a surprise for me? )
* 13 yr old babysitting the 19 mth old. 7 yr old off with friends. 10 yr old playing with 5 yr old granddaughter of nice people from across the street (they won't let her inside the house. Perhaps they now question me after witnessing my temper with the 13yr old a few times).
* Breaking to re-group and replan the rest of the day. Open day planner...


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* totally unfocused right now. Got a major email off. Let's see. What next. Criminal background information should be completed and faxed.

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* proposal email drafted and sent. Will require much back and forth to nail down a spec. Must go quickly.
* bad stomach.


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Tis 1:49. Have to get this proposal out. Work today ends at 5pm with no possibility of resuming until after 9pm. Hopefully I can stay motivated enough to work on bookkeeping between 9pm and midnight.
Left todo: get background information sheet filled out and faxed to employment agency, send out at least 1 resume, contact my contact at the local company that has said they want to interview me, begin work on project that I accepted, compose and send out marketing email

physically: stomach ill, head throbbing, focus difficult

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* decided to commit 1-1:30 to getting a quote off. Since it is now 1:30 I'll move that to the next 30 minutes. Donning headset and loud music.

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Spammers Using Mars Rover as Relay

This kicks! Spammers have taken control of communications on Mars rover Spirit, and have started using it as an interplanetary spam relay announced NASA representative Sylvia Monborn.

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* The 13 yr old gets off by pushing people's buttons and he's good at it. He's rude, crude and mean. It's a challenge and a half to resist the urge to take a hickory switch to his bottom.

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A New Day!

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This Morning
* Woke at 4:15am and was inspired to rise and begin my stretching exercises that use to make me feel so good and whole. Blackness--guess I never made it out of bed. Woke at 6. The covers were warm and soft and sang the songs of the sirens. Their melody was beyond beautiful! Got out of bed at 6:15 and got the kids moving. Answered the call of the sirens for 15 more minutes. Checked on the kids. Checked on the sirens. Checked on the kids. Checked on the sirens. Finally got up. Proceeded to answer the 10 yr old's control freak moment with a moment of anger. Note to self, "handled it all wrong!" Half hearted attempt to fix it and made sure to tell her I loved her.
* After car pool (which is more like a taxi service since the other family never drives), I stopped by Weigel's for our daily 2 gallons of milk (which is actually down to 2 gallons every other day right now--I'd like to think the kids were actually drinking water but I know better). Give the 13 yr old his medicine (7:45ish).
* The 19 mth old awakes and I change her, feed her and then we play together on the couch until the 13 yr old stirs. I selfishly ask him to play with the baby while I return to the sirens and fall into a deep sleep. I get up every 15 minutes to check on the kids until my wife rises then I allow myself to drift off deeper until 9:30am.
* Return phone calls. One is for a local 2 day job, the other is about the contract, drug screening, crimal background check and more on the 11 month job that I don't want to take. The first paycheck won't even come until after the mortgage company has threatened to begin foreclosure procedures (although I'm certain that if I fax them a copy of the employment contract that they will have mercy..its always in their best interest to not foreclose.)
* Now 11:45 and I'm a little scatter brained. I have to get a quote to someone and I know that what I should charge will be way out of line and I fear over pricing myself out of work but I know the damage that can be caused by working too cheaply. Ugh! FOCUS! The focus is the proposal. After that I'll set up the development environment for the local work. Must get some resumes out today and some marketing emails and some marketing materials to local businesses (not enough time for all of that!) ok. Marketing materials tomorrow. Stay electronic today and stay in your chair.

Last Night
* strong dizziness. Went to bed early hoping to rise early. Started watching Chicago an absolutely amazing show! Couldn't make it. Grabbed zz's


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* grilled cheese for dinner
* discussed potential job 8 hours from here with Dad who probably thinks I'm crazy if I turn it down and father-in-law who would probably be disappointed if I took it. I'm flipped. There is an inner piece of me that says to escape the bonds of this town and that it would be good for the kids to live in a couple of different cities but another piece of me likes the settled in feeling and the bonds that grow over time. That piece of me says that familarity is good for the kids.
* Disappointed in myself for not having more energy. I spend too much time thinking about things that need to be done rather than doing things. There should have been much more computer time today including several emails and resumes. I am wearing down and will sleep. Hopefully I can begin with a fresh start EARLY tomorrow.

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* gonna have one cold pissed off squirrel tonight. I've finally covered a hole in the facia that was allowing the critter to live in the attic. He was beginning to get serious about nesting (I think). We've heard quite a racket out of him these past couple of nights. No apparent damage.
* 13 yr old grouchy. Wife says he's imitating me. I had thought of that. His meanness gets to me as well as his selfishness. I must improve.

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A New Day!

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This Morning
* 19mth old and 13 year old up and stirring. As a horrible father I laid in bed and listened to her over the baby monitor play in her crib. I really wanted to fall back into a deep sleep. The dizziness was on hard. She sounded happen. The 13 yr old helped by bringing his medicine down.
* Finally at 9am I am feeling rotten and I go upstairs to a happy child and change her, turn on kids tv and promptly fall into a light sleep on the couch while she plays with her toys. Occasionally she climbs up and lies with me a few. She is wonderful.
* The 13 yr old wants to cook eggs and I give the go ahead and use it the required supervision as an inspiration to get my lazy body up and moving. I'm snippy with him and I try to correct it. He really tries to please and I don't give him any slack anymore.

Last Night
* Father-in-law drops off wild 13 year old and I spend the next hour helping him calm. Father-in-law takes the 7 and 10 yr old. The 19mth old soooo loves her granddad!
* I don't remember the evening. It ends reading and watching tv in bed with a couple of Guinness.

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* Unbillable tech support hours for family member. Installing vpn software on a laptop. Wife asleep. Kids irritated that I'm making them clean.

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Wow! Check out this surround sound system! Wear it on your shoulders!

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* Google is really starting to bite bad. I've found myself going to Dogpile before considering Google's 2nd page of results

* Baby napped from 10-now. I'm dog tired. Watched The Gods Must Be Crazy I then napped for 15 minutes
* Another bounced check in the mail today. Low energy today

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A New Day!

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* Last night after running errands we returned and had the 7 year old's 2 good friends in the neighborhood over for the night complete with royally burnt hamburgers. Enjoyed tv with the wife.

* This morning got up 8ish and got started sending the kids on admist breakfast.
* Now want to put my earrings back in. One hole has closed for sure and saddens me. I can't find my earrings. They are somewhere in a box among all my other garbage. I'm torn anyway. I enjoy the jewerly but I know the inlaws would die, my folks would disapprove and its not the image I necessarily want to convey to the kids. So, a large piece of me says "grow up. Let that past die." It's strange how something so stupid could be a source of such conflict. Conflict may not be the right word. "Incompleteness" seems more correct. That in itself makes me think I'm projecting other pent up feelings and am using this as the outlet but I can't quite grasp what it is that I'm feeling or seeking.

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* Gave up on css box design for website. Returning to tabular format using ImageReady. Will return to css later.
* Time to run around with the family. Let's go find ice!
* Upon returning I received a phone call saying I was accepted for an 11 month contract job in West TN. Yuck! That pulls me away from my family. I know that the wife will be driven crazy trying to get the kids to school and make appointments. I don't care how badly we need the money, this feels wrong.

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* 13 year old doing power struggles. How much effort am I supposed to put into this sad sack? When I try it often results in fighting with the wife. Perhaps its better just to ignore him.

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Have I mentioned the 1inch of snow on the ground today and the cancelled school?

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* ugh. Trying to get inspired to put in a resume or work on a website. If I can't complete my own website in quick turn-a-round, how am I supposed to help a client? Think I'll watch a Red Cross training tape then get to work. Calling Pantera (Dakota USA) to try to get help on the 13 year old's scooter. Left a msg 2 days ago with no call back.

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* notice from NBC. I've got until the 19th to bring the balance to positive. God I can't lose that account!

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* I was beginning to think the dizziness could be related to too much caffeine intake or not enough water. I haven't throw out that theory yet however I was fine until I started hyper focusing on money (the lack there of) and I could feel the distant echo of a dizzy spell wanting to come on
* neighbors dog walked. onto resumes

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A New Day!

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* Went to sleep last night about 10:30 - awoken at midnight - woke at 6:21am - woke several times between 6:30 and 9. Finally got up at 9. No dizziness!!
* Immediately yelled at the 13 year old for my laziness. That was wrong. Proceeded to be grumpy with the kids then sorta got a grip on myself and brought the tone down. My stress should not be their stress.
* Cooked eggs as everyone ran out to play in the snow.
* 9:30 neighbor calls to see if I could walk their dog. They are still in the hospital doing a hip replacement. No problems.
* still majorly stressing over where the money will come from.


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Chaos upstairs. Do I go? Yes, its the right thing to do.

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I am noticing that when my dizziness is at its worst my vision is blurry too. I'm trying to wear my glasses more and see if it goes the other way..if my eyes aren't strained, does the dizziness occur less?

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You know why the woman raises the kids and the man spends most of his waking life at the office? It has nothing to do with sterotypes to chauvinism or anything as complicated. It simply works. That's all. And it works well!

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* I should be marketing but I've blow the day and no one wants to talk at 4:22pm. Depression has got the better of me today. I should go to Home Depot and get some insulation for this back window. It's cold as a beer fridge at a grocery store.

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* been to the bank and the store. signed up for one of those cool new mini-creditcards for my bank visa. Has picture signature and magnetic strip and fits on your keychain. After bank was walmart for groceries. Ice coming made me concerned about the car insurance which is close to lapsing.
* returned home fighting desire to lie down which a power nap would probably help alot but I'd catch hell for it. So instead I'm wasting time with this: Strip Poker.
* oh. Called another headhunter and got that vacant response like "oh, who are you" except that it was "we've only got 2 things in. Can you do ASP? Or can you sys admin an as400?"


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A New Day!

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So far this morning:
* Woke kids (after waking with the room spinning)--slept while they got ready
* Took kids to school
* Slept until my interview. I was getting dressed slowly to keep the room spinning at bay and the phone rang early so I rushed to answer the phone literally falling against walls and trying not to throw up. It was my wife reminding me about the phone interview. I ruded said "that hurt. don't do that again." and hung up. That was wrong. She had the best of intentions but I was in agony by the time I reached the phone. I know its probably psychosymatic related to stress but that still doesn't mean the room didn't take off like a jet plane when I ran to answer the phone.
* Phone interview was tough. They will make their decision next week.

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marketing out

In what is certain to be a wasted effort, I distributed marketing flyers to 4 or the 5 "dance" clubs in town. I figure no one else will touch them, why shouldn't I try.

Without the plastic covering the back doors, the outside air flows through this room like wind whipping through a canyon.

I should work more but I'm going to sleep.

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* have now rested--feel better but still queazy

Jeff Foxworthy Speaks:

-IIIiiiF you have a major appliance stored on your back porch with hopes of repairing it ONE DAY, then you might be a redneck.
-IF yooouuu own and use a hand cart to move a major appliance in and out of your house, you might be a redneck.
-IIiiiiF YOU open your basement door to exchange the old appliance with the new (used) appliance AND the temperature of your bedroom DOES NOT change, then you might be a redneck.

It seems... I'm a redneck! :)

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* feel like crap. I kinda waver between wanting to pass out and wanting to lose my lunch
* apparently the kids are scared of me when I use the tone of voice that I use with them.. try harder or give up?
* I gotta rest a sec

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* bathed then had incredible dizzy spell and almost passed out. Had this vertigo condition a year ago when things were bad. It's obviously stress induced. Without warning, the room will take off and its everything I can do to hold my stomach. Closing eyes doesn't help and actually makes it worse.
* took some meclizine and slept 2 hours. felt better. took more meclizine and went to kinko's then father in law's to pick up their old dryer as a hold over for our broken dryer.
* Contacted headhunter to get a "yeah.. everyone is kinda busy getting back from the holidays but we expect things to pickup" type of answer
* got home to find that I won't be going immediately out with marketing materials as planned

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* phone interview rescheduled for tomorrow
* worked on my website for a bit
* preparing to make sales calls


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* still waiting

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* Just received word from a good friend that a position I applied for locally will probably turn into a job interview. Crossed fingers.
* Anxiously awaiting my 2nd phone interview for a contract job that would have me away from my family the better part of 6 months. Yuck.

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It's begun!

* Art computer lost the brush plugin for Illustrator. This nice piece I made last night now can't be used. Ugh. Reboot and the machine hangs. The laptop is just sloooow. And now every time I flip between machines on the analog switch box I lose the keyboard on the XP machine and can only get it back by logging into a non-administrative account (without a password) then log out of that account and back into the administrative account. Time for some food.


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8:00 am Kids are off to school. Oops. Must give medicine to the home schooler and then prepare for my phone interview.


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It's cold as all get out! I so need to fire up the wood stove but none of the wood is split; I can't afford to buy split wood; and the flue hasn't been inspected in 2 years.

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A New Day!

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* After declaring zzs last night I proceeded to stay up until 1:30 working on my design concept for a site that I hope will produce money for me although I have failed to follow my business plan and launch ahead of my competition
* Woke 10 year old half an hour ago to have her finish her school work. Now grabbing another 30 minutes of sleep against my better judgement. I should be greeting the day with stretching exercise or work.

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* pondering zzzs - Should work on a website..

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* Went upstairs to help the 10 year old finish a long term project for school. Told wife she was tired and snippy then proceeded to let the tone of her voice set me off at which point I became angry and now I feel like crap.
* Finished marketing brochure for a unique market. Hopefully this is a nice angle.

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* Hind quarters getting sore. Have now applied online to one job possibility and signed up with another recruiter. A good friend helped search out several others and has inspired me to barage people with resumes and cover letters at a rapid pace. Must break for coffee and maybe a brief bit of reading. I am disappointed that I did not get marketing materials out today. I'm detecting a pattern since I've been trying to get these into the right hands since before Christmas--fear? procrastination? ambivalence? decision through lack of decision?

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* Sent 3 marketing emails to other web developers in the area - hopefully this will at least help get my name out a bit
* Did some brain stimulation by helping to solve someone else's problem online - no avail - tis still broke
* Update domain information and set up 2 more domains with my host and setup email so that I could send marketing email with the correct viral marketing. Tis silly to ask your competitors to use you as a sub when your website says you compete with them.

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Beautiful Moments

I love my time with my kids. Getting ready for bedtime is the best with baby in lap reading stories to each other. First I read to her, then she reads to me. I need more such quality time with the older ones. The 10 year old is grousing over an unfinished long term project. I fear we are reinforcing her procrastination. Must work on that. The 13 year old is in the bath going on 1.5 hours now. And the 7 year old is lying in bed reading (and sneaking play time with the Playmobile). He's an angel!


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* MBNA Collectors called. Asked for $100 some odd then reduced it to $53 when I said "no can do". Then when I said "nothing to give" they also jumped on the "can't you borrow it from someone" bandwagon. Due date Jan 8.
* kids fed - time flying - not having fun

The next 1.5 hours will be spent getting the kids to bed. No work will get done.

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* helping kids with school work, updating laptop, and working on marketing materials

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* Several phone calls to area developers to market my subcontracting
* Call to Small Business Development Center for information on new businesses in the area
* Had to take 7 year old back to school for forgotten supplies and to Honey Baked Ham to cash in a gift certificate on food to help us survive until Friday
* Trying to finish marketing flyer

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